If you were to ask me, “Dr. Michelle, can you give me one piece of advice about how to be a better dad to my daughter?”, without hesitation I would say: Drop your anger.

Here’s why this is a big deal:

      Your anger shuts her down.

      Your anger makes her give up.

      Your anger makes her believe she is unworthy and not worth loving.

      Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

      And your anger destroys her spirit.

I’ve been coaching Girldads for 16 years and a majority have told me they had no idea their daughters were interpreting their anger in these ways. As men, when your volume and intensity rise, you aren’t always aware of how your kids are responding to you because you’re thinking about reinforcing rules or setting boundaries while seeking to teach, correct, redirect, and lead.

It’s important to know that when you get angry, your daughter can easily internalize your response as being less about you and more about her. She’ll interpret your reaction as meaning something is defective about her or deficient in her. 

At the end of the day, your daughter wants you to be proud of her. She longs for your approval. She needs your grace and patience so she can follow your lead and do the same with herself.  

A couple years ago I was interviewed on a friend’s fathering podcast and shared all of this in detail. I was astounded that a 47-second segment of the interview went viral…with 3.4 million views! I was saddened that so many people could relate to the negative impact of a dad’s anger. Maybe that’s your story too. 

I read comment after comment about the devastating effects that have lingered for men and women alike.

“My father was always mad. It was terrifying. 

I never thought I could be good enough for someone to love me.”

“As a woman who grew up with an angry dad, this is so on point…I shut down and ran away from my dad emotionally and always felt like he didn’t love me. I felt unlovable for years, by him and other men.”

A daughter will thrive when she lives from her heart, not from her hurt. 

Dad, if you’ve hurt your daughter’s heart, why not take a proactive step today and initiate a conversation with her so she doesn’t have to live with unhealed father wounds. 

Tell her you’ll listen without getting defensive or angry and then ask: 

1. What words have I spoken to you that have made you feel better about yourself?
2. How did my positive words make you feel about yourself then? Now?
3. What words have I spoken to you that have made you feel worse about yourself?
4. How did my negative words make you feel about yourself then? Now?
5. I’m sorry for ______________. Please forgive me for ______________.

There’s no better time than the present to heal wounds from the past. 

Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, LPC hosts The Dad Whisperer Podcast and is author of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters. You can find out more about her at drmichellewatson.com.