Can I be honest?  Sometimes life can really suck – even for Christians.   Perhaps especially for Christians.

We believe in “the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Exodus 34:6), a Father who gives us “every good and every perfect gift” (James 1:17), One Who knows our needs and provides for them (Matthew 6:32-33, Philippians 4:19). For someone who doesn’t believe in this God, they can attribute hardships to the randomness of the universe, or the karmic cycle, or just a knowledge grown from experiencing life in general that, well, poop happens.

For the Christian, I think sometimes, perhaps a lot of times, we choose not to wrestle with God when tragedy strikes.  We want to appear to be strong – feel like we need to be strong in the face of adversity, as if we need to be God’s cheerleader in the midst of our grief to reassure everyone of His goodness.

We try to hide our true emotions from our church family, our children, maybe even our spouse, sometimes even ourselves.  If you’ve suffered loss, you already know that grief comes out in all sorts of ways, a brazen and inconvenient visitor, even for years to come.  Holidays, birthdays and death anniversaries can be especially hard.

But I’m here to tell you that if you are experiencing the doubts, emotions and questions in the wake of a loss, it does not mean you do not believe that God is good.  These are not mutually exclusive things where only one or the other can have a place in your heart at one time.  Belief and unbelief can coexist in the human heart on this side of eternity.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but I want you to know that God is perfectly capable of managing His reputation for goodness, and He can handle your emotions too. 

I remember “not allowing myself” to be angry at God when my parents divorced because it was “silly”.  Instead I masked my anger, my grief, my feelings of betrayal for years, never allowing myself to call it what it was.  As a result, I became emotionally numb, disconnected, cold and unempathetic toward others, and I didn’t even realize it.

At this point in my life, a few losses later and a lot of time to grow in my relationship with the Lord – I realize what I really needed to do was wrestle with God over the WHY?  And I needed to learn that He wanted me to wrestle with Him honestly, so He could heal those open wounds, coax my unbelief into deeper faith, open my eyes to opportunities to see the places where He was being glorified through my circumstances, and ultimately restore my hope.

Grieving Friend, please ask God the hard questions, cry the tears, scream the prayers and let the Holy Spirit intercede when you’ve run out of all of the words (Romans 8:26-27).  God knows your heart even better than you do, so you do not have to hide the raw feelings from Him.

Please be brave enough to ask for what you want, and persistently – like the neighbor asking for bread at midnight in Luke 11 or the widow in Luke 18. 

When my Dad was handed a devastating diagnosis of PSP, I didn’t know how to pray.  For years I had stayed in the comfort zone of, “heal them if it is Your will”.  I’m not saying there is anything wrong with praying that way.  But I am saying that I personally prayed that way, afraid to believe that God would heal in case He didn’t.

He taught me that He wanted me to ask Him for what I really wanted, and that I could trust Him with my faith in the process.  When Dad didn’t receive the physical healing that I had so persistently and earnestly prayed for, it didn’t break me.  As I drove home after watching them wheel his body out of the house, the unexpected response that welled up in my heart was one of praise and thanksgiving even in the midst of my ugly tears.

Please invite other believers into your mourning (Romans 12:15, Galatians 6:2). 

Years ago, when I was told I was in the process of a miscarriage just before we were about to tell our family we were pregnant, I wasn’t sure if or how to break the news.  I decided it was a life that should be acknowledged, and so we gave our announcement with the good and the bad news together.  I’m so glad I did, because in the moments I felt like I had to prepare my heart for the worst, I knew my family was praying for a miracle with hope I thought I couldn’t afford to have.

Please don’t consider your losses inconsequential. 

Philippians 4:6 tells us “in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

I had a friend ask me to pray for her recently because she is in the process of selling her house and moving.  I was so honored to help her carry that burden of anxiety by lifting it to the Lord, and so blessed by the faith and trust she had to even ask.

Anxiety can be grieving today over an anticipated loss in the future.  Sometimes grief comes as a result of lost expectations, too.  Our church has gone through a somewhat messy pastoral transition over the last few years, and so much healing has happened as we are able to recognize that both “sides” are grieving and acting out of the grief of not having our expectations met of how things would or should have gone.  It may seem small, but it is still part of the everything we can take to the Lord.

Please don’t compare losses.

I, also recently, was in prayer for friends who were losing their baby.  Unexpectedly I found myself also grieving my own miscarriage again in the process, and then feeling guilty because I wasn’t as far along when I lost my baby, that I should only be focused on their situation and not mine, that I shouldn’t feel my past grief again in the midst of theirs.  But the truth is my grief drove me to a deeper level of intercession, one where I could pray for specific things drawn from my own experience.

One of my most favorite passages is Romans 5:1-5.  Our suffering produces much in us that enables us to bear each other’s burdens with the comfort of the Holy Spirit connecting us in supernatural ways, but most of all it produces in us a hope that does not put us to shame, the hope of the glory of God.

Please ask for help when you need it. 

I have friends who are suffering the after effects of the husband having a stroke.  I know it must be hard, but it is so hard for them to ask for help and let others in.  One day the wife finally said, yes, we could come help them split wood to prepare before a snow storm.  I literally wept for joy as I hung up the phone because we could finally minister to them in a tangible way!

Friend, you probably have brothers and sisters in your life that are waiting to know how they can help you.  Let God minister His grace to you in your time of need through them.  You will both be blessed.

Please be honest with your kids.

My son just turned four and it seems like he has grown up with his parents experiencing grief his whole life – from my Dad’s diagnosis to my Grandfather passing away during his first year, to COVID and watching my Dad decline in the second.  In his third year my both my Dad and my husband’s Mom passed away, as well as our dog.  We talk about all of them a lot, and about how we will get to see them all again when Jesus comes for us.  I’m glad he has that hope in his heart already.  At my Dad’s service, someone overheard him telling a little girl that it was “a sad day, and a happy day”.

Last week I got (unreasonably) upset with him just as I put him down for a nap.  I went back into his room to apologize and as we talked I realized it was grief resurfacing that drove my emotional reaction.  I was able to explain to him that I was having a sad day because a baby had died, and it reminded me of our baby that died too.  We reminded each other that we’ll be able to see both babies one day.

My hope is that with each of these conversations, eternity is seated just a little deeper into his precious little heart.  Deuteronomy 11:19 commands the people of Israel to teach God’s words to their children, “talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”  It doesn’t seem like that leaves much room for not taking opportunities to talk about God’s promises, even when you are doubting them yourself.

Also, kids have a great way of speaking your words back to you when you most need to hear them!  Live out your faith in front of your kids openly, warts and all, and trust that the work God is doing in their hearts will sustain them through your ups and downs – and eventually theirs too.

Please be easy on yourself.

Satan loves to keep us in those guilt/shame/failure cycles.  It is okay to be angry with God because of a loss, and to also believe that He is working things together for good (Romans 8:28).  You can weep over your loss, while knowing that God is going to be glorified through it – Jesus wept over Lazarus knowing he would be raised from the dead.

You can be both at the same time.  It is okay to wish that you didn’t have to go through this hard thing, and to trust in God has a bigger plan and will give you the grace to walk in obedience.  Jesus asked for the cup to pass from Him and still submitted to the Father.  You can be both of those places in your heart at once.  And when you find yourself caught between the two, you can pray like the father in Mark 9:24, “I believe.  Help my unbelief!”

You can be both, and trust that God “Who began a good work in you, will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).  Be at peace!